And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD Psalm 40:3

I am in too much of a mess, I thought. How can I come out of this?

“You have to give it all over to the Lord,” Said Betty Willems.

I saw that Satan wanted to keep me from trusting my Lord fully. As if a veil were taken off my eyes, I saw my unfaithfulness, my independent, proud spirit and selfish desire to have everything the way I wanted it. I broke down before my heavenly Father, who had been so faithful all these years…

My anxiety settled down, and for the first time in a long while I let God be God in my life again. I was willing to ask God’s Holy Spirit to search my heart. Gently He showed me my unconfessed sin, which I had tried to correct myself without avail, even though I knew that only the blood of Jesus Christ could wash away my sin. I experienced the overwhelming joy of being forgiven, free from guilt and shame. Satan’s accusations no longer had power over me. By faith I claimed what it says in Galatians 2:20: “I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave Himself for me.”

In practical terms this meant dying to many ambitions in my life. I had to be willing to give up secular and even church positions. I realized that often I took credit for things God had really accomplished through me, using the gifts He had given me. I came to thank Him that I was nothing in myself, but that He was working through me and was due all of the praise. How relaxing it was not to need to reach out for recognition anymore!

God’s Spirit also moved convicting of a critical spirit and a loveless spirit. I was able to ask forgiveness for being easily offended, for trying to hide my inner hurts and pains and not giving others the opportunity to pray for me.

One day, as I read I John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness,” I was deeply broken before my Father, humbled by his forgiveness, grace and mercy. There, as I confessed my sins, a joy of being forgiven flooded over my soul, overflowing in words of thanksgiving. I reached for pen and paper to write what was given me. I could hardly believe what had happened to me. I felt that God’s grace and His Holy Spirit was upon me. At the same time a beautiful melody and harmony filled my heart and soul.

In awe I realized that God had laid on me a new gift – to be His vessel as a songwriter. My trust in the Lord grew stronger and stronger. I felt that I could ask Him again to become more and more the Lord of my life.