Each day I search for the Lord and only find it slightly satisfying. I long for something more but am unsure what that is. I seek him but my days seem to blend in one day after the other most of which are not satisfying, just are. I feel stuck. I have known since childhood I was destined in the Lord for more than what I have today but God seems to not make himself very clear to me as to what doors will open. About the time it looks like they are going to open, they shut again leaving me feeling unsatified in my walk with him and going back to seeking Him and His desires for me. I feel I am always waiting, on the brink of something big but then nothing. My passions and my hearts desires are always lingering in wanting to do more but no doors open for me to do so. I so long to do more than the mundain day after day of just doing enough to survive. Always seeking, always trying new and different things yet always waiting. I am really disatisfied with my life and walk with God yet knowing how so very much I love Him I could never leave Him. My words are always, God surely I was born for more than what I have today, open doors of opportunity for me than no one can close, close those I am to walk through. Always anticpating that today could be the day and then the day comes and goes just like the rest, nothing, often silence. It is so hard not to take matters into my own hands but knowing to do so would be complete disobediance. I find myself throwing things out there on the wall to see which one sticks. So far none have. Once again I seek yet growing restless since I am not getting any younger. The doubts are more frequent now that maybe I was wrong and I have no destiny, it was all in my mind. However if this is true why will these desires of helping the hurting not go away. Surely God has a great plan for me but for today it is a mystery as to what it is.